D. Antwan Stewart

How else to bear our sex as sarcophagus / for the body, D. Antwan Stewart asks. The following three poems feel very familiar to The Nepotist because he has found himself at various moments in his life both in the spinning throes of love and in the stalwart, stall wall, blowjob-behind-the-dumpster vice-grip of lust. Who hasn't? And who doesn't know exactly what's meant when Darius writes "It’s night again; it’s night with the moon as an ear / turned sideways so I know it’s an ear, so it’s eavesdropping, / so I know it must be thinking I’m a son-of-a-bitch, / that it must be thinking oh your poor mother, because I fell in love & needed to escape, to come here, a place / I know only by map, by reputation..."? Because love isn't love without its twin brother trouble and lust isn't worth its effort unless its met on that tricky precipice where balls-out loss is an entirely possible (and likely probable) outcome. These are salty, sultry poems. They dry out your mouth even as they moisten your... tongue. Therefore you should read them with a glass of water nearby. Better still, make it a Bourbon.
Thanks, Darius.
***
Sex/Love
We’re hoping to get lucky after months of foolhardy misses,
taking our licks—that is our losses—
in stride as best we can if our best is a spectacle.
We’ve never experienced the true wham-bam of love,
the turn-me-on-my-ear-&-spank-me kind of
foolishness we drool about until our faces run like legs
in a swirled glass of wine. & who said sex & love
were mutually inclusive? We want sex-beneath-the-bleachers-
after-the-high-school-jamboree but not the glory-hole
vulgarity, the fingering against the stall wall.
We want a man who can’t finish his after-dinner flan
to drive us home, a man we can invite in for a glass
of Bordeaux to coax him— but not ply him—
into a walk along the promenade, conversation
never turning to sex since in the past it’s been a train wreck no one takes
their eyes from, as though it’s become the lead story
on the 6 o’ clock news, with men in vestibules weeping
because how else to bear our sex as sarcophagus
for the body—as if we were a horned-up seventeen
wishing only for tastes of flesh? We think tonight’s the night
we might get lucky. If not, we’ve lasted all these months now,
never explaining our way of seeing things:
that we’ve always been our own best date, that
no one woos us better than we do.
***
In Richmond, In Love
“One of the things which makes love beautiful is it’s fatal . . .”
—Adrian Blevins
When the old man pulled into the Exxon in his silver Mercedes,
waved at me from only a small distance, I thought I might know him
& waved back & continued on my way to the bus stop,
but when he followed me to the station exit, asked me,
How are you today, dahling, I can’t find what I’m looking for over there,
I thought it’s about fucking time I was noticed, but fuck off
you old perv, & stood at the curb with my hands through the pouch
of my pull-over, watching him disappear promptly,
as if he were following instruction in a bedroom sex game,
because he wanted to be punished, for his feelings to be executed
like a criminal convicted of petty theft but nonetheless sentenced to death
the way they do in Texas or Florida or some other state red as a stripe in a flag.
I’m in Richmond, VA, a foreign city to me as I’ve never tasted its air
the way the air in Tennessee tastes like too many allergens & sometimes
like the first kiss you have with a man who smoked too many cigarettes
right before, as if he were testing you to pull away, to grimace
& squirm & crack your neck because you couldn’t say but gesture.
There are no old men in Mercedes parked at Exxons in the early hours
in Richmond, but skies multi-color darks like Technicolor before they got it
just right. In Richmond when it rains it falls through the drain pipes in tinks
like the chips in Plinko on The Price Is Right, & tree branches
bend over the rooftops as if to rest their gaunt, leafless arms,
weary from seasons of blooming & bearing the elements,
the changes of weather that chafe & make them brittle,
which makes them ornery, as they refuse to stretch upright,
because they need a good lotioning, some tender loving
to make them lithe again, like a sapling, like a baby’s bottom
smooth after a diaper change.
I want to be in love again & this is what it’s all about.
Say you’re told this: when you catch a fish you have to bang it
over the head to keep it, otherwise it’ll slip from your hands;
then it’s lost forever & you
must go home, bowed head, with an empty pail
banging against your knee.
You want to call bullshit. But instead you get up
from your chair & grab a beer, a cigarette, walk to the back porch,
& you smoke & sip & narrate your life because this
gives you pleasure & you imagine the voice-over
is Morgan Freeman & he’s calling you a sissy, a cunt-rag,
& you’re saying what the fuck! I though you were classy. You
won an Oscar! But you know he’s right & then what?
You hear Nina Simone winding up the stairs from some stereo
down below, & you’re in Richmond, far from home, from Tennessee, writing
about a boy you’re in love with, a boy who once sat on your hand in a bar
as if he wanted you to tickle his bottom & you chickened out & left your hand idle
like a stale piece of bread on the counter
& this is why Morgan Freeman calls you a cunt-rag
because that’s exactly how you behave. Even a bloody tampon has
more gumption than you. So you sit & wallow until dark, until
the stars appear one by one, like a bulb
blinking, struggling to illuminate, until finally
full-blown light. To you they appear to be kernels
of corn raked off the husk & the wind picks up & howls
though you know it’s really the collective breath of
bar hoppers you should be commiserating with over beer
& shots of warm tequila, your hand resting in the bowl of nuts
on the bar top because you can’t make up your mind whether you want
cashews or almonds. So you stay in sitting in an almost darkness
sick to your stomach because you know this is what
unrequited love does to the heart when it’s beating.
Makes you want to live without your body for a week,
subsisting on what-could’ve-been or what-could-be, rationing
it by bits you can chew, thinking, as your teeth grinds
parcels of truth, you might want to look up the old man
in the Mercedes when you get back to Tennessee, & it won’t
be fatal, & maybe start saying I again, instead of you.
***
Woe Is Me
It’s night again; it’s night with the moon as an ear
turned sideways so I know it’s an ear, so it’s eavesdropping,
so I know it must be thinking I’m a son-of-a-bitch,
that it must be thinking oh your poor mother,
because I fell in love & needed to escape, to come here, a place
I know only by map, by reputation,
from the news hour, from neighbors at the grocery store
whispering & clutching their shirt-fronts, from mothers
wrapping their children so tightly in their arms
their little eyes bug out, their skinny arms flail
& wiry legs slice through the air like string,
which doesn’t even make a whoosh, that it’s all
to no avail because love has a strangle-hold
because at one time one of the highest murder rates
in the country was in Richmond, & I wanted to go there,
to risk my life, to see if the city had changed, if it could
change me. But I’m harangued by the moon,
as it’s now an eye that can’t look at me. I want
to say it’s winking, but that couldn’t be true because it’s turned
into a smile with clenched teeth telling me to go straight
to hell. I should. I still don’t know the difference
between cilantro & parsley, even when I smell it, therefore
the guacamole tastes like shit. When I hold a baby
I often forget to support its head because I’m too busy
waving my free arm making a point about the tastelessness
reality t.v. Of course it’s tasteless! So the baby’s neck
snaps back! But I’m making excuses now, like a child
who tells his teacher the dog ate his homework, which isn’t
an excuse at all, but a lie, because dogs don’t eat homework,
they tear through the trash & eat garbage: gobs of bread slopped
with gravy & string you have to pull out of their asses & old chewing gum
they blow bubbles with when they fart—which is disgusting—but is
what they do, because they’re dogs who don’t give a damn
about homework unless you cram it down their throats
or tease them with it like a chew toy they wrestle until
bits of paper with multiplication tables are strewn
over the floor (69 X 69= . . . whoa! be careful). She should tell him to go
fuck himself & to hell with being fired, because
that’s how I see the world when I’m feeling woe-be-gone-
or-I’ll-get-plastered, which is brute honesty,
the square root of all, like this cat
I see tottering across the alleyway
slicked with the last of this evening’s rain
so it becomes crystalline beneath the lamplights, this cat
proving that this is life, not noir because there’s no steam
rising from the gutters or a mute trumpet singing its sad sonata
hoping the femme fatale will grab the mustachioed man
with tilted fedora & harness him behind the dumpster
for a blowjob, because the trumpet is plain perverted, has been
for years. It can certainly go to hell
& I’ll take it there accompanying on my clarinet
because I love a good combo,
because I live in irony, which is good for the body, like
wheat germ or liver or brussel sprouts,
a fight with the moon that’s disappeared & out chasing it,
following a trail of sorrowful, half-lit stars,
chasing it for the life of me.
***
About the Poet:
D. Antwan Stewart is a former fellow in poetry at the Michener Center for Writers. His chapbooks, The Terribly Beautiful (Main Street Rag Editor’s Choice Chapbook Series, 2006) and Sotto Voce (Main Street Rag Editor’s Choice Chapbook Series, 2008) are embarrassingly underselling and are in desperate need of buyers (http://www.mainstreetrag.com). Recent poems appear in Callaloo, Meridian, Many Mountains Moving, Verse Daily, and The Best Gay Poetry 2008, among others. He currently lives in Knoxville, Tennessee where he cracks lobsters for a living, writing poems about the ooey-gooey tomalley that leaks from the body—that is when he isn’t toeing the line of the semi-sentimental, woefully overwrought verse.
On the Identity of The Nepotist:
S/he could never finesse a batch of chicken wings into delicious goodness, nor braise a pork ass that melts in your mouth, as these are my specialties; though being the faceless specter s/he is, spirits of the imbibing sort are often indulged, which makes me forgive the fact s/he might be bamboozling all of us for poems.


